Without public grief rituals, the personal holds meaning, too

Over the last few weeks, the coronavirus pandemic has interrupted, canceled and rearranged so much in our lives. Across the globe, thousands of public gatherings have been postponed or rescheduled. And major life events look nothing like we what we’re used to.

But death can’t be rescheduled and will always be part of our everyday life.

As the funeral industry grapples with social distancing and state regulations limiting the number of people allowed to gather in one place, some services are being held with immediate family only and then live-streamed to other family and friends at home. Some, still with a small number of mourners, are being moved to outdoor spaces to limit physical contact. In some case, grieving families are turning to a simple, private graveside service. Washington state has banned funerals altogether.

With many memorial services being postponed — though the burial or cremation may take place immediately following the death — families are floundering amid the absence of an important grief ritual. It is at a funeral or memorial service that the grieving are held up by physical touch, by emotional support, by the love and tenderness of their community. Here, the communion with others, the sharing of stories and tributes, the balm of secular or religious inspiration can be fortifying and transformative — bolstered first steps on the long journey that is grief.

What happens when we’re denied the immediacy of such ritual? Where does that grief and the attendant love and longing go?

Sarah Chavez of The Order of the Good Death has written a wonderfully generous article filled with wisdom, guidance and ideas for coming together in community despite our physical distance.

But there is also value in performing individual rituals that honor the life of your one loved and hold space for your grief. When it comes to personal grief rituals, let instinct and creativity be your guide. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that the most emotionally resilient mourners were the ones who turned to ritual in the aftermath of their loss. But while we may traditionally think of mourning rituals as public expressions of grief, the study found that in most cases, those rituals were private — small acts that helped the bereaved connect to their loved ones in moving and powerful ways.

In my own life, I can attest to the deep solace I found in “inviting” my dad to dinner. I set a place for him at the table, poured us wine. While I did actually eat a meal, I made him an offering of an apple and chocolate in honor of his sweet tooth. I raised my glass to him, grateful for his presence, and let myself talk to him throughout our candlelit dinner, through the joy of creating this moment for us, through tears, through all the aching and love in my heart. The “Sleepless in Seattle” movie soundtrack played as we ate because it was the only film we’d ever seen together, just the two of us in a theater. And when dinner was over, I asked him to dance to Joe Cocker’s “Bye Bye Blackbird,” and we spun around my living room, held by each husky note and the night and a laughter I didn’t expect.

The emotional release that came with this ritual, along with the sweet connection I felt to my dad, were a gift to my grief journey.

If you’re longing to connect to your loved one or wishing you had the space to process some of the grief that’s no doubt tangled up with so many other emotions as we move through this pandemic, here are a few ideas for simple rituals you can perform:

Create a “memorial” board: Most of us are familiar with vision boards, the practicing of creating a collage of images and words that align with what we’d like to draw into our lives in a new year. For a memorial board, you may focus on photos and words from magazines that remind you of your loved one, evoking their spirit and personality. As you intentionally spend time gazing at your board, or even as you walk by it in the course of your day, you may find yourself drawn to memories you’d forgotten, moments you treasured or a specific trait possessed by the deceased that energizes, comforts or delights you. Alternatively, you may wish to cut out words and images that speak to your grief. How do you feel holding your loss? How do you want to feel as the days and weeks progress? What does self-care look like to you? What brings you a sense of peace and reminds you that healing is possible? Let your board be a place for quiet reflection and inspiration to guide you through your grief.

Keep up a routine: Maybe your spouse did the crossword puzzle every Sunday morning and now you’d like to, as well, or perhaps they had a certain order to how they began their days that you’d like to follow. You might want to use the same coffee mug they used or eat ice cream from their favorite bowl. Maybe you did yoga or walked or meditated together at the same time daily. Perhaps your mom always tuned into a certain TV show that she’d discuss with you whenever you talked. Or your dad liked sitting out on the porch listening to his favorite radio program. Incorporating those routines into our day can not only help us feel closer to our dead. By mindfully entering into those moments, they can become dedicated time for you to be with them, to talk with them, to let their presence fill you. And in the uncharted, tumultuous territory that is grief, these routines can also create an anchor, a small moment of control that counteracts how helpless and unmoored you may feel.

Write a letter: This may be especially helpful for anyone who didn’t get to say goodbye to the deceased or is otherwise carrying the burden of things left unsaid. Your letter may contain stories, memories, whatever you didn’t get to express. You may wish to light a candle or incense before you begin writing and play a special piece of music to set the mood. The letter can then be kept in a special box, locked drawer or among other keepsakes to be read from time to time.

Build an altar: An altar can give you a place to go to mourn, to reminisce and to celebrate. If possible, place your altar in a room where you can be alone with it, in your garden or some other personal outdoor space you can visit anytime. Many altars are often adorned with photos of the deceased and items that belonged to them or serve as reminders of what they loved. Some include natural elements, like stones, feathers, or shells. If the deceased has been cremated, you might place some of their ashes here. You may also want to consider offerings of food, flowers, essential oils or anything else that connects you to your departed beloved. The idea is to incorporate whatever feels meaningful to you. Whether you spend time at your altar every day or only when you feel called to, prayer, song, meditation, journaling or lighting a candle are just some of the ways you can engage with the energy of your loved one.

Dance/play their favorite music: Is there a song that always reminds you of the one you’ve lost? I know every time I hear Paul Simon’s “Late in the Evening” or Chuck Magione’s “Feels So Good,” I think of my dad, and so they’ve become among my go-to songs to feel closer to him. Sometimes I smile as I listen. Sometimes I dance or sing or feign playing a trumpet. You may choose to sit quietly as you listen to a song your dear friend or family member cherished, letting the tears flow or connecting to a memory that holds special meaning for you. Or you may get up and dance, letting your dance become a celebration, a prayer, a blessing, a chance to let your grief move through you.

That’s the beauty of these private rituals. They allow us to touch both our grief and the love that has brought us into the presence of such profound sorrow, to follow the inextricable call of each into a moment uniquely our own. From baking and eating your loved one’s favorite foods and kissing their photos goodnight to wearing an item that belonged to them, a grief ritual can be anything you want it to be. As long as it brings you comfort. Pays tribute to your loved one. And gives you what you need in a way that feels fitting to you.