Even without the weight of loss in our lives, Valentine’s Day can be a fraught holiday. The barrage of ads celebrating twosomes, the depiction of romance as the height of happiness, the invitation to splurge on all manner of gifts as the truest way to the heart…It’s not surprising many dread this “Hallmark holiday,” greeting it with a hefty amount of cynicism or morosely dwelling on their singlehood.

I’ve always appreciated Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to celebrate all the love in my life — and to share reminders of that love with the people who matter to me.

When we’re grieving the loss of someone dear to us, however, the holiday — like most others — can be a raw reminder of the absence that haunts us, of the life before us that looks so very different than the one we’d imagined.

Yet it’s possible to find a glimmer of consolation in our grief by using occasions like Valentine’s Day and other holidays and anniversaries to honor our loved one who’s died. To pay tribute to their memory in a way that’s meaningful to us. To carve out some time to be with them intentionally, whether it’s by doing something they loved, making their favorite foods, spending time in a place that brought them joy or sitting quietly in reflection.

The following exercise can be a beautiful way to feel connected to your person, while sharing their light and love with the world around you.

All you need is a piece of paper and a pen, and a little quiet in a space that feels comfortable. Set a timer for seven minutes. Then start writing all the qualities you loved about the one you’ve lost. Try not to overthink. Just let the words flow. Let all that you admired and appreciated, all that filled you with joy and pride, all you held dear bubble to the surface

When the timer goes off, scan your list (you can revisit it with more mindful attention later). Notice the first two qualities that jump out at you. And let those be the words or phrases you choose to carry you through this week — words you can call on, as mantra or blessing or prayer. Words you can embody. Words whose energy you can try to cultivate in your own life as you move through the week.

Perhaps you were always inspired by how brave or kind or strong your loved one was. What’s one brave step you can take toward something you’ve been wanting to do? What’s one small, kind thing you can do for yourself in a moment of overwhelm or deep sadness? What if you created the mantra “I’m stronger than I think” and turned to it every time you needed a reminder?

Perhaps the one who’ll forever be a part of you was the thoughtful individual who always found a way to brighten someone else’s day. What can you do to bring a smile to those around you this week? Were they passionate about a particular cause? Is that cause something you can support with time, resources or funding? Is there an organization you’d like to get involved with to follow in their spirit of advocacy and generosity?

If it helps, write the qualities you choose to honor in a prominent place where you’ll see them every day. You may even wish to write them on smalls stones you carry around with you, a solid reminder you can touch.

By incorporating the best parts of who they were into your life, you may not only find renewed solace and strength. You may also feel them with you more closely, more intimately — a sure and steady love lighting each forward step you take.

A Valentine's Day exercise to soothe your grieving heart