Healing while grieving looks different for everyone
Years ago, I sat in a circle of women following a personal transformation weekend we’d all shared together. The purpose of this small group was to keep us connected to and doing the work we’d just done. When our facilitator announced that this wasn’t about fully healing from our wounds and trauma, one woman threw up her hands.
“Then, what the hell am I here for?” she asked.
I think of that moment sometimes when grievers want to know the “secret” to getting better, feeling stronger, doing away with all and any of the uncomfortable emotions that surface with a loss. I can understand their desire. We’re a culture that wants the fast fix, the easy way out. The magical leap from A to Z without honoring and making room for the messy in between.
But we don’t ever fully heal or recover from grief. The journey isn’t meant to be marked by an end goal but by the small transformations that happen along the way. The revelations that invite new perspective and understanding. The letting go of old beliefs and patterns or ways of being we realized were no longer serving us. The opening up to possibilities for our lives we never considered. The decision to prioritize our care and well-being. The different choice we make, step we take. The risk to be vulnerable and true to our own longing and desire.
Healing looks different for everyone.
Among the questions I ask grievers before they begin working with me are:
What would it mean to fully grieve your loss?
What are three things you would like to experience through your grief journey?
I’m not asking about getting over a loss or moving on from it. I’m not inviting unrealistic expectations or painting a picture of what I imagine for their lives as we work together. I encourage them to take ownership of their journey, recognizing that their healing will be as unique to them as their grieving.
In words inspired by what they’ve shared, here’s a glimpse of what healing has felt or looked like for some of my clients over the years:
I’m really open about my grief now.
I feel more grounded.
My grief feels softer.
It’s time for me to celebrate that I’m still here.
I now see how supported I am instead of feeling like I’m alone on an island.
I’m going to make more space to be with my grief.
I feel more alive.
I didn’t realize how much I could let go of.
For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful for the future.
I feel more connected to my loved. one(s)
I know I’ll be OK, even if this sadness will always be part of me.
I feel like I’m coming home to myself.
What would it look like for you to fully grieve your loss?
And what might happen if you choose to do nothing right now?